Feeling Better!

kyoto japan flowers river sanjo
Eat, Pray, Love, Kyoto!

So, I'm still getting divorced, but I needed to "delete" a couple of my most "recent" posts. Will probably wait until it's official before I put them back up. I guess I got paranoid or something. I'm still keeping up older posts with Dallin in it because... lol idk. I'm okay with what is happening and even though it still hurts, I don't want to completely delete those good memories from my life just yet. I mean, they still happened... idk. We'll see how I feel in a year!

But oh wow. What a year 2017 has been. I'm so grateful I got to July relatively unscathed. I actually feel optimistic right now! About my present and future. It feels good. It's been a journey, honestly. I don't want to be dramatic, but May 2017 was probably one of the worst months of my life. There are just way too many "memorable events" in May (wedding anniversary, Dallin's graduation from college, and just basically reminiscing about our Cairns, Australia honeymoon). Plus, I had to present an ultimatum (I know) to a guy I really liked who turned out to be the biggest asshole on this island, so there were a lot of emotions. And perhaps starting on a new birth control pill fucking did it, too. Basically, May was a shit show. Like, what used to be one of my favorite months turned into a month where I could not stop crying. It got so bad that my supervisor actually noticed and I finally told him what was happening in my life regarding my divorce. I'm actually glad that happened. Even though work is supposed to be a professional environment, I was hanging on by a thread everyday. And after he found out, I felt that much better at work. So yay. Progress! Little by little. Haha.

Anyway, I feel like I've done a lot since then. It almost feels like May was eons ago. Like, who was that person who lost her shit?! Was that really me? I like to think that I'm a strong, confident person. But I feel like I was trying so hard to feel normal again that it kept blowing up in my face. I think part of that came from not knowing exactly why my marriage didn't work out. My homework had been to really reflect on it and do some soul searching. And I recognized the red flags, but couldn't quite put my finger on the root cause. And maybe it was a lot of little things. Maybe it was because we got so used to not spending time with each other (deployments, him going to evening school to get his degree, me choosing to move to Okinawa thinking that we would be okay) that it just felt normal to me. But maybe we were brewing resentment little by little. Lol. I don't know. The fact is that, in the end, Dallin wanted me to be okay with moving back to the states, but having our marriage be put on the backburner. And I needed the marriage to be kept a priority. So I had to walk away. I guess it does matter how things got to be that way. But I think the most important thing is that he actually asked me to be okay with it. And I actually considered it. And then I realized that I would be completely miserable. I used to be be angry about it. But I'm at the point where, like... I can't control other people's feelings and what other people want. But I am in control of what I put up with. And no thank you. I will be okay.

So, yeah. All this time I have been doing what I needed to do to feel peace again. And I've been super gentle with myself. Letting myself cry when I need to cry and just basically cutting myself some slack. I'm not exactly 100% okay yet. But I am so proud of myself for where I am now. I know that whatever happens in my future, I will be okay. Because I'm bad as hell, or at least I like to think I am. I feel like I am completely capable on my own; I've always been. And I'm comfortable with who I am and spending time by myself. And I think the universe sends certain people into our lives, temporarily, because we need to learn certain lessons. And I realized that I've been trying to learn the same damn lesson since 2011. Basically, I needed to stop bending over backwards for men who ain't shit. Like, as if I were scared of losing them, but why?! I feel like I'm more selfish now, but is it really a bad thing to think of yourself? I don't think so. I feel like there needs to be some compromise in relationships, both ways, but no one needs to accept being treated in a way that is unacceptable. And if it's only one person doing the compromising, then that's definitely not fair.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update. Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll be okay. I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest and a lot of experiences that I want to share! I just need to make time for it. I took 3900 photos during my Kansai + Hiroshima trip, soooo yeahhhhh. A lot of blurry photos to go through! Haha. But I'm super excite.d about some of the shots that I got! Kyoto was beautiful. I fell in love with the city and I fell more in love with myself. So hopefully I will be able to convey some of that magic in some of my future posts/ramblings.

Peace and Love!

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