|sunset, a day after a typhoon|
When I moved to Okinawa, I never thought that my life would change as much as it has. I don't regret coming here, even though I wish I had done things differently and that my work was more fulfilling. In December, right before Christmas, I kind of reached a breaking point and it was suggested that I see a chaplain on base. I've never had counseling or therapy in my life, even though I can think of a few times where it would've been helpful. I guess I just figured that I didn't need it and that I could get through whatever it is that I went through or needed to get through. However, I've since realized that I was wrong! I've seen my chaplain several times. The first time, it was mostly about work and how to deal with my supervisor and work environment, but I hinted towards my relationship problems. He helped me sort through my thoughts and work through my issues. And eventually, I was just going to him for advice about my marriage.
I figured out that, when I got my job offer, I was so excited and wanted to take it so bad that I basically talked Dallin into agreeing. Even though he actually didn't want me to go. So, even though he "agreed," he didn't actually "agree." I guess you can get anyone to agree to almost anything if you are persistent enough. And I guess I also really believed that our marriage was a lot better than it actually was, even though deep down I maybe knew that it wasn't really. Because I really wanted to take this job. So, I sincerely apologized for doing it. It was really shitty. And I guess I also knew how it felt because Dallin did a similar thing to me recently. I don't know if he did it out of resentment or revenge. But the reality is that I think we both realized that we want completely different things out of life. At first I was super upset and angry because he wanted me to be okay with something that I knew would make me miserable. But he had his reasons and I understand them. And I even wished he would just change his mind. Maybe if I were a different girl, I would be okay with it. However, I have boundaries. And apparently what he wanted for us for the next 4-5 years is beyond what I'm okay with. And that's okay... So, we're splitting up. I never thought this would happen to me. And I am 100% aware that this might be it and I may never find anyone else again and I could be single for the rest of my life. And maybe I will never have a chance to start a family since I'm 30 and I feel like my biological clock is ticking. tick tock tick tock. But for me, I would rather be alone and childless than compromise my happiness, dreams, and preferences.
From the outside, people might think that we're both being really selfish. Sometimes even I think we both are. However, I think that we both changed too much and didn't communicate with each other properly about what our needs were. And now we found ourselves at this point where we were both asking each other to be okay with things that were outside of our respective boundaries. And I don't know. I still love him and want the best for him, but I also need to be happy as well. And I hope he feels the same about me.
I know this is both vague and oversharing at the same time, but ugh, I feel relieved anyway.