kyoto japan nanzenji shoot my travel garden zen
At peace in Kyoto

So, I've been thinking a lot lately (if you couldn't already tell)! But I've been putting myself first lately, asking for what I want and not settling for anything less than what I think I deserve. Doesn't everybody though? At least I think that what everyone probably tells themselves. I'm not sure. I think I really became conscious of it when I was having problems in my marriage. I realized that what Dallin was asking me to be okay with would make me miserable. And it is the reason why we decided on divorce. Sometimes it feels like I'm being selfish. Like, maybe if I were someone else, she would be okay with it and she would still be married. But you know what? I'm me and I think I know myself best. Plus, I don't consider it to be selfish. I think of it more as an act of self-preservation or self-love or self-care. Whatever you want to call it.

I have actually never thought that Dallin was a bad person, but I think I did feel some anger. Wondering how he could even ask me to be okay with basically being in a miserable situation. Like, how could he? I understood where he was coming from, and I actually think his reasoning for it is commendable (even though I didn't agree with how he wanted to go about things). However, I still went through waves of sadness and anger, especially for the first month.

Anyway, it's still pretty rough on me even now. But I'm doing better. I recently just realized that sometimes two people are just on two different journeys. It is sad to ask for something you want/need and to get shot down, but to make it hurt less, and to let go of anger, it is important to realize that the other person has wants and needs, too. And in the same way that it's not selfish for me to protect my happiness, it is not selfish for them to protect their happiness, too. Dallin's main reasoning (I think) was to be a better father to his daughter. I didn't agree with the way he wanted to go about it, but it does not make him a bad person for trying to do what he thinks is best. He needed to do this for himself and I needed to leave the marriage for myself and my own happiness. And when I think of it in that way, it is easier to forgive.

And I think that was a hard lesson to learn, but so important. It actually took me a while to figure it out. Actually, I only figured it out after I stopped seeing someone that I met here in Okinawa (and who I really liked, but it doesn't matter any more). I was sick of the "are we" or "are we not" thing, and so I asked to be exclusive or to not see each other anymore and he was basically like, "it's gonna break my heart to never be able to talk to you again." And I was honestly so angry at first for feeling like I wasted all that time. But idk. I still don't know his reasoning for it, but it really doesn't matter because it's not my journey. I learned some hard lessons from that, for which I'm grateful. And I actually feel like he did me a favor when I think back on it. For peace of mind, it's better to try to understand and then let go and forgive. Because holding onto anger and the "should'ves" or "could'ves" is just torturing yourself. Take the lessons, forgive, and move on in peace.

And forgiveness doesn't mean that you necessarily want to talk to them again. You can forgive someone and still let them go. It's really something that you're doing for yourself, in my opinion. I can't imagine holding onto all that initial anger/sadness from my divorce for years/decades. It's been so rough on me in just these last 7 or so months that I'm pretty sure I would be a completely miserable person if I didn't learn how to let that shit go. I mean, I still get sad about it when I think back on happier memories, but I think that's normal... And I think that it'll take time for those feelings to subside. I'm just so glad that I am not harboring hateful thoughts about it or resentment. I just want to move on and to be happy. Happiness will always be the goal.

I'm curious about what other people feel about this topic. Feel free to comment with any thoughts!

Break Up Essentials: "In my feels" Playlist

I think one of the upsides during this turbulent part of my life is that I'm finding a lot of good music! I love listening to music (though who doesn't?!) and will listen to anything as long as I think it's good. I guess sometimes that stuff can be subjective. Anyway, music has been helping me get through life lately. Haha. This playlist is a bunch of songs that I listen to when I want to get into my feels. I've definitely cried while listening to some (read: all) of these at one point or another. But sometimes I feel like I need to have a good cry though. Definitely let's me know that at least I'm alive and can feel emotions! There is nothing wrong with feeling strongly about things. Crying can actually be healing, in my opinion, as long as you're processing why.

Anyway, here's the list of songs that I listen to when I want to soak in my sadness after a break up:

Open Heart

urdhva dhanurasana, upward bow pose, wheel pose, yoga, backbend
Urdhva Dhanurasana (Wheel Pose)

Ever since I moved to Okinawa, I have only been practicing yoga 2-3 times a week, and almost always during my lunch break. Risner Gym on Kadena Air Base offers lunch-time yoga every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, which is super convenient. It is so nice to be able to take a break from work and do my favorite stress reliever.

Don't know if it's obvious or not, but I've been having a rough time ever since I moved to Okinawa. Work isn't what I expected it to be and be going through some real shit with my divorce. But even though I've only been going to yoga a couple times a week, I've actually never felt stronger and more open. Not sure if it's because I'm also working out through my issues. Haha. But hmm, yes, I feel strong despite practicing less. And the odd thing is feeling more open.

When I say open, I mean physically and emotionally. I tend to carry a lot of tension in my shoulders, so it feels really good to stretch and try to open my chest and shoulders. And I've been feeling really backbendy lately, but I feel like I'm not just becoming more flexible. I feel like I'm becoming more strong to support my flexibility. I don't know. It's probably something that's supposed to be obvious, but I'm really having a revelation here! Haha.

And in the other aspect of "being more open." I think I'm just trying harder to be more honest with myself and others lately. I mean, sometimes it bites me in my ass, but at least I can say that I was trying to be real. I think I'm just really scared of being in denial about important aspects of my life and people not being honest with me. I don't understand why people lie about some things, as if it will spare me my feelings. It would hurt less to just be told the truth up front in the beginning. Instead of beating myself up and getting more hurt later when I figure things out. So, I'm trying to be more honest with others. And also, I think I'm being more honest with myself. Haha.

For example, those personality tests that you take on your own? I think I used to answer the questions as how I wanted others to see me. So on the Myer-Briggs test, I would usually come up as INTJ or INTP. And reading the results, it was like, "oh, I guess some parts of that match me. In a way." Never really seemed to fit. Well, I recently took a couple different tests and came up as ENFP every time. And this time, reading the results, it's like, "omg, this is totally me!" Haha. So, I don't know. I'm coming to a lot of realizations about a lot of things in my life and it's kind of scary, but also exciting at the same time.

So, here's to being more open! Open to life, open to yourself, and open to others! May I accept whatever the universe has in store for me. And if it's unacceptable, may I have the strength to initiate change.

Peace and love!

Feeling Better!

kyoto japan flowers river sanjo
Eat, Pray, Love, Kyoto!

So, I'm still getting divorced, but I needed to "delete" a couple of my most "recent" posts. Will probably wait until it's official before I put them back up. I guess I got paranoid or something. I'm still keeping up older posts with Dallin in it because... lol idk. I'm okay with what is happening and even though it still hurts, I don't want to completely delete those good memories from my life just yet. I mean, they still happened... idk. We'll see how I feel in a year!

But oh wow. What a year 2017 has been. I'm so grateful I got to July relatively unscathed. I actually feel optimistic right now! About my present and future. It feels good. It's been a journey, honestly. I don't want to be dramatic, but May 2017 was probably one of the worst months of my life. There are just way too many "memorable events" in May (wedding anniversary, Dallin's graduation from college, and just basically reminiscing about our Cairns, Australia honeymoon). Plus, I had to present an ultimatum (I know) to a guy I really liked who turned out to be the biggest asshole on this island, so there were a lot of emotions. And perhaps starting on a new birth control pill fucking did it, too. Basically, May was a shit show. Like, what used to be one of my favorite months turned into a month where I could not stop crying. It got so bad that my supervisor actually noticed and I finally told him what was happening in my life regarding my divorce. I'm actually glad that happened. Even though work is supposed to be a professional environment, I was hanging on by a thread everyday. And after he found out, I felt that much better at work. So yay. Progress! Little by little. Haha.

Anyway, I feel like I've done a lot since then. It almost feels like May was eons ago. Like, who was that person who lost her shit?! Was that really me? I like to think that I'm a strong, confident person. But I feel like I was trying so hard to feel normal again that it kept blowing up in my face. I think part of that came from not knowing exactly why my marriage didn't work out. My homework had been to really reflect on it and do some soul searching. And I recognized the red flags, but couldn't quite put my finger on the root cause. And maybe it was a lot of little things. Maybe it was because we got so used to not spending time with each other (deployments, him going to evening school to get his degree, me choosing to move to Okinawa thinking that we would be okay) that it just felt normal to me. But maybe we were brewing resentment little by little. Lol. I don't know. The fact is that, in the end, Dallin wanted me to be okay with moving back to the states, but having our marriage be put on the backburner. And I needed the marriage to be kept a priority. So I had to walk away. I guess it does matter how things got to be that way. But I think the most important thing is that he actually asked me to be okay with it. And I actually considered it. And then I realized that I would be completely miserable. I used to be be angry about it. But I'm at the point where, like... I can't control other people's feelings and what other people want. But I am in control of what I put up with. And no thank you. I will be okay.

So, yeah. All this time I have been doing what I needed to do to feel peace again. And I've been super gentle with myself. Letting myself cry when I need to cry and just basically cutting myself some slack. I'm not exactly 100% okay yet. But I am so proud of myself for where I am now. I know that whatever happens in my future, I will be okay. Because I'm bad as hell, or at least I like to think I am. I feel like I am completely capable on my own; I've always been. And I'm comfortable with who I am and spending time by myself. And I think the universe sends certain people into our lives, temporarily, because we need to learn certain lessons. And I realized that I've been trying to learn the same damn lesson since 2011. Basically, I needed to stop bending over backwards for men who ain't shit. Like, as if I were scared of losing them, but why?! I feel like I'm more selfish now, but is it really a bad thing to think of yourself? I don't think so. I feel like there needs to be some compromise in relationships, both ways, but no one needs to accept being treated in a way that is unacceptable. And if it's only one person doing the compromising, then that's definitely not fair.

Anyway, just wanted to give an update. Yes, I'm doing fine. Yes, I'll be okay. I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest and a lot of experiences that I want to share! I just need to make time for it. I took 3900 photos during my Kansai + Hiroshima trip, soooo yeahhhhh. A lot of blurry photos to go through! Haha. But I'm super excite.d about some of the shots that I got! Kyoto was beautiful. I fell in love with the city and I fell more in love with myself. So hopefully I will be able to convey some of that magic in some of my future posts/ramblings.

Peace and Love!